An Accidental Thief

A little past five o’clock I stepped aboard a commuter train in San Francisco and took a seat on the upper level, which I prefer. There were only a few others in the car. As I sat down I noticed a small black bag below the empty seat in front of me. Unaccompanied bags like this make me nervous because, as everyone knows, they always contain bombs.

My first instinct was to move to the other end of the train where the force of the blast probably wouldn’t kill me. At most, I figured, I’d lose a limb and get some time off work. I might even be able to collect on my accidental dismemberment policy. Then I thought of the others who would be sitting nearer and were sure to suffer grisly deaths. Through acrid clouds of diesel smoke and a moaning chorus of the injured, the pitiful faces of their bereaved children passed before me.

At the clarion call of duty I picked up the bag. It was leather, tube-shaped, maybe ten inches around and a foot long. There was a small strap at the top through which I hooked my finger. With a flutter of uncertainty I gave up my seat. I would find the conductor or another train worker, I decided, and bring the hateful thing to their attention. Surely they had some kind of protocol to follow.

I held the bag in front of me like a vicious, infected thing and squeezed by boarders in the aisle and seated passengers that glanced dumbly from my face to the object I carried, none with a proper appreciation of the direful moment. I stepped off the train and looked down the platform. There were no uniforms in sight, only a great flood of boarding passengers. I stepped back onto the train and wandered in a delirium through the cars.

We were scheduled to depart any moment and I could find no one professionally obliged to accept the bag from my hands. Could I just drop it somewhere after all? On the platform outside, for example, or in a stairwell when no one was looking? Unfortunately, several people had already seen me with the bag. When it was discovered in the stairwell (assuming we were still alive) and the train was halted between stations and the SWAT team deployed throughout the cars, they would point the finger at me. On the other hand, if I kept the bag, not only was I guaranteed to die in the explosion but if, by chance, its proper owner came looking for it I’d be fingered again.

Circumstance seemed to require that I become either a terrorist or a bag thief… It suddenly felt important that I have a place to sit. If I didn’t take a seat now I wouldn’t get one at all. I decided, therefore, to exercise what little freedom was left me in my last few moments of life and turn bag thief. I scrambled to the upper level of the car and found a seat. Then, thinking I might as well take an admiring peek at the circuitry that would murder me, I turned to the window and opened the zipper at the end of the bag.

There was no bomb inside, which was a disappointing relief. Instead, I found a rolled-up windbreaker, an unopened tube of skin lotion and a half dozen plastic-wrapped bars of soap, the kind provided in hotel bathrooms. There were no cigarettes inside the bag but there was the smell of a smoker, which is something different and less pleasant than the smell of cigarettes.

You’d think I might at least have earned a wad of twenties or a few semi-precious gems for all the trouble the bag had given me. There’s apparently no such thing as beginner’s luck for thieves. With a resentful grunt, I shoved everything back inside, zipped the bag shut, and kicked it under the seat in front of me. No one came asking for it and I left it there when I exited the train.

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1 Comment

Filed under Misc.

One response to “An Accidental Thief

  1. Hilarious. I would have done (and thought) exactly as you did.

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